A married person who considers holiness and Christlikeness as the ultimate objective of marriage approaches the relationship with a completely different mindset than one who believes marriage is all about personal happiness. The pastor said these wise words: “If the person you are married to is ‘bad’ enough that Jesus had to die for his or her sins, then your spouse is going to annoy you from time to time.” Oh, the truth in those words … and it works both ways! This has opened my eyes to how I can change. As Paul said, not getting married can be the best thing for someone’s relationship to God: It is just a childish dream and nothing else. God led me to Gary Thomas’ writings and the epiphany that happiness is not the point of marriage, which is the lie that society tells us. When we climbed mountains, he didn't need to go to the top—he was content with going halfway. It’s written by a guy named Gary Thomas. The night our daughter was born, I caught her crying for a single minute (when she thought I wasn't looking) as the labor pains intensified. It is very insightful. The answer, as shown above, is that marriage was not designed for holiness. Undefiled and honored, the covenant of marriage safeguards a core of pleasure. When we took the same course in graduate school, he was content with an A- (or even a B+!) Dr. Halee Gray Scott is an author, independent scholar, and researcher. When holiness is the goal, the person sees trials as opportunity for growth instead of hindrances to their own happiness or worse yet a sign that their marriage isn’t working. When he cleaned the house, he didn't always dust or mop or polish the leather couches. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Happiness is in the Lord, but without holiness, no man shall see the Lord. God desires the biggest romance ever with us. Marriage Investing in us Faith and marriage Gratitude. You can pray all you want in an unhappy marriage; but prayer will be blocked solid if you’re in an unholy marriage. But when we married, I noticed that my honesty was more divisive than it was beneficial to our marriage. Make no mistake, we were (and still are) head over heels for one another, but neither of us needed marriage to make us happy because we were already happy in our singleness. If it is, you’re going to be disappointed.) Early in life I'd seen how damaging it was to bury emotions, so in an effort to avoid that mistake, I made the equal and opposite error of expressing myself without a great deal of forethought. We bring things that do not belong, such as bitterness and anger. ( Log Out /  Prudence. We bring things that do not belong, such as bitterness and anger. A few weeks ago a friend from India, Dr. Theodore Williams of Indian Evangelical Mission, spoke at Community Bible Chapel. Studies have repeatedly concluded that married people are happier than men and women who … People, including Christians are looking for happiness in all the wrong places. He does. Even satan is a theologian (a faulty and wrong theologian). I've always had a knack for saying exactly what I think at the very moment I think it—regardless of the impact it has on the hearer. Surely God wants us to be happy, but what if marriage is more about making us holy instead of just being happy. Therefore, because you are one, God only needs one of you to submit to His authority (to actually do what He says to do) to heal your marriage. (2) Happiness is not the goal of marriage. Just because something is used for our perfection does not mean it is why God created it! ( Log Out /  We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. Change ). "Marriage is not about our happiness but yet about Holiness" My Thoughts I agree with this at first glance but I will expand a little on his statement. Conversely, when I seek to harm my husband, that harm is inflicted upon me. Marriage does not guarantee happiness. Beautiful message! or "How can I cope in this marriage?" The Christian walk is not about our happiness. Marriage Is for Holiness, Not Just Happiness. There might be times we are unhappy with our marriage or our spouse. In 1930, Pope Pius XI proposed that the primary purpose for Christian marriage was not procreation or sacrament, but to serve as a context for moral development. Change ), You are commenting using your Google account. It was designed for companionship. And that day, we washed each other's feet in the surf to symbolize our commitment to serve each other to that end. I dare you to do The Love Dare for 40 days and see what happens. CT's weekly newsletter highlighting the voices of women writers. We understood—even then—that our marriage was ultimately more about our moral development than personal satisfaction and contentment. Even with regards to marriage and singleness. Marriage provides a daily context for spiritual growth because it gives us opportunities to put away sinful tendencies and practice more virtuous behaviors. The goal of marriage, then, shouldn’t be happiness. I (Halee) can be candid to a fault. Courage isn't the absence of fear as much as it is the willingness to move forward despite fear. Marriage Isn’t for Everyone. Not that they're by any means mutually exclusive...but holiness out of the deep, forging, plodding, extracting commitment to Christ & the relationship produces deep JOY...not the shallow happiness that so much of this world is … Before I move on to the next stage of my transformation journey, I’d like to share more of what I have learned about living marriage God’s way. Because of his daily influence, I've learned how to be more tactful in the way I say things. Grace is a wife, mother, and regular person with an irregular life. :0( What a difference it would have made in their communication if one simply smiled and said hello. Where Have All the Gray-Haired Ladies Gone. Thanks for sharing these words. His thesis goes like this: “Marriage is not primarily about your happiness. Paul Scott is a registered therapist specializing in drug, alcohol, and sexual addition. Some believe that they are joined together for the betterment of each other. I was curious about how this came to pass since the families live so far apart. When I surrendered my rights—like cutting short a night out with friends to take care of Halee when I knew she'd had a long day at school or work—I became more diligent, motivated, and sensitive to others' needs. It was a difficult transition, especially in the beginning. Read more articles that highlight writing by Christian women at ChristianityToday.com/Women. I know people don't like to hear this but it isn't. It was designed for companionship. Paul knew what to say and the right moment to say it. Recommended Read more. Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 31, 2017. But what do these opportunities look like in everyday life? For example, when one walked through the door, the other behaved as if the other had not entered. N either of us "needed" to get married. It wasn't until the 12th century that the troubadours (a group of traveling poets) introduced the concept of courtly love as we know it today. while I sweated it out for an A+. Holiness within marriage is essential for us to maintain an active prayer life. When we think of holiness only in terms of “spiritual” things like reading our Bibles or praying, we make two mistakes. Change ), You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out /  We are not to skip the first element. Dr. Williams told me one of my friend’s daughters had just married a young man from Dallas. Our actions become habits and habits, like grooves on a well-worn path, become our character. Happiness is like the ebb and flow of a tide, always changing. ❤. Happiness is in the Lord, but without holiness, no man shall see the Lord. But, my happiness doesn’t come from him alone. Neither of us "needed" to get married. I heard a fabulous sermon on the radio during a road trip, but I don’t know who to credit. [Graphic: Cover of Gary Thomas’ book, Sacred Marriage.]. But what if the goal of marriage isn’t actually happiness, but holiness? She divides her life into two segments – before and after March 2013, when she made the commitment to tithe the first hour of her day to one-on-one time with God no matter what. This passage from Ephesians on marriage … Marriage is not about your happiness; it is about God’s glory. One of my favorite books in marriage counseling is titled “Sacred Marriage.”. The damsel doesn’t want to clean up the prince’s dirty clothes off the floor – she wants him to meet her needs and keep her happy, regardless of her own selfishness. Throughout our marriage, I (Paul) have seen Halee demonstrate courage over and over. (For that matter, the goal of your life shouldn’t be happiness either. It wasn't enough to run three miles when my daily goal was five. He was a diligent worker, but he didn't feel compelled to put in excessively long hours. People, including Christians are looking for happiness in all the wrong places. :0), […] some slack and extend grace, you will be amazed by how much happier you are. He writes, "This mutual molding of [spouses], this determined effort to perfect each other, can in a very real sense, as the Roman Catechism teaches, be said to be the chief reason and purpose of matrimony.". For him, it wasn't so much about the destination as it was the journey along the way. Of course, our marriages are fallen. To marry for personal happiness (or love) was considered a selfish act that disregarded the needs of the broader community. Lewis called courage "the form of every virtue at the testing point." On our way to the airport after the service, I asked Dr. Williams about another friend, P. S. Thomas and his family. He created marriage to be a picture of Him. Every action we take has a consequence for our character. Temperance is the ability to practice moderation in action, thought, or feeling. (3) The goal of marriage is deeper. Since I did the Love Dare to my husband, he took over unloading the dishwasher, despite my never asking him to do so. © Grace Daniels 2017. A person saying this has either not stopped to think through the situation or is willfully disregarding the heart of the faithful spouse. Temperance. C.S. But more often than not, his temperate approach was the better way, and even if it doesn't always come naturally, I've learned to practice moderation in various areas of my life. I would agree God uses marriage to do these things, but He uses many things. Holiness within marriage is essential for us to maintain an active prayer life. You can pray all you want in an unhappy marriage; but prayer will be blocked solid if you’re in an unholy marriage. Holiness in marriage is a very practical thing. Theo related that … A marriage that’s not based on personal happiness, but holiness. This is a wonderful post. After all, if the purpose of marriage is holiness, these annoying situations provide us with ample opportunity to practice Christlikeness as we […]. | God's Way Actually Works, Foundational Attribute of a Strong Marriage: Forgiveness | God's Way Actually Works. It was almost like a contest of who could go the longest without acknowledging the other’s presence … and I used to be that way!! During this period, Paul taught me his "three-day rule." She is currently writing a book to help Christian women leaders thrive in ministry. I'd been working for the company for 14 years, and I'd known God was calling me to leave the company for a long time, but I couldn't imagine leaving after all the years I'd put into the company. Marriage yokes us to an imperfect person who … let’s face it … is selfish, just as we, at our cores, are also selfish. We can fail to experience happiness in marriage because we belong to our self-centeredness more than to our spouses. Charity. The Catholic church believes marriage is a sacrament because the relationship between husband and wife represents the union of Christ to his bride, believers. For most of human history and in most societies, the goal of marriage was to provide economic security through family alliances and to serve as a context for procreation. But not only are holiness and happiness (or blessedness) joined in the Psalms; they get linked together in the Proverbs, and very tightly by Jesus in his Beatitudes (Matthew 5:2–12). If you understand what holiness is, you come to see that real happiness is on the far side of holiness, not on the near side. Mrs. K J Bell. According to WetPaint, Sean seems to be saying that his own marriage to Catherine is more about God than the couple’s romantic relationship.None of this should come as a surprise to anyone who knows how faith-centered the former Bachelor is. God uses marriage to produce holiness in us, not necessarily happiness. God designed marriage as holiness and happiness. So often I am dwelling on how my husband does not meet my needs. She has been leading Bible studies through her local church for over a decade and is passionate about encouraging others to pursue a close, deep, personal, and intimate relationship with God. St. Augustine wrote, "Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation." The disappointment of idols Growing in intimacy and maturity Have you ever met a shell-shocked newlywed (or not so newlywed)? When you apply this statement to a married couple, things take a new light. Of us `` needed '' to get married temperance is the ability to practice moderation in action,,... Relationships through biblical principles neither of us `` needed '' to get married house the! Ever met a shell-shocked newlywed ( or three ) happiness doesn ’ come. That God had called me to 2 ) happiness is paramount ; Bible! Spiritual growth because it gives us opportunities to pay forward the unconditional love that God had called to... Picture of him abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. God uses marriage to be.! 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